This is it.
You’ve finally made the brave decision to come out to your parents - but how?! You only get the chance to do this once.
Well you’ve come to the right place! I’ve been awesome enough to help you with a few, oh so flamboyant, ways you can do this. *Alexa, play ‘I’m coming out’ by Diana Ross*
Hang up ‘missing’ posters on behalf of your closet, letting everybody know that you are nowhere to be found and need to come home. Create a fake number and e-mail address like BringMyBabyGayHome@gmail.com and then hang these posters all over your house.
Your neighbourhood too if you’re feeling extra brave. Screw Mrs Jameson and her missing cat, take that poster down.
It’s Britney, bitch
Write a ballad about coming out. If you’re not much of a songwriter you can jump on Reddit and collab or even hire somebody off fiver.com to help you write one. Be sure to make it as dramatic as possible -- include words like heart, soul, destiny and of course, love! Don’t worry if you can’t sing, the absurdity of the whole performance will be enough to mask your lack of talent. Also… glitter. Lots of it.
Cast your (gay) web of mystery. Create a set of clues that your parents have to follow, make them cryptic and vague so they don’t guess what you’re up to. The clues should finally end up with them looking inside your closet - where you will be hiding with a big fat smile on your face. Also glitter...because why not?!
So this may take a bit more funds but it’s todally (this is a word now) worth the dent in your wallet...purse...trust fund? Find out the route that your parents take to work, this shouldn’t be hard, a simple Google maps search from your house to their workplace will suffice. Then google ‘advertising agencies’ in the area, what you’re looking for is a billboard that directly faces oncoming traffic. Then post a picture of you in your most gayllant (this is also a word now) attire, doing the most flamboyant pose you can think of. Underneath have it say something in the way of “mom, dad, we need to talk” and then post your number.
Is that a bird? Is that a plane? No it’s… supergay.
Give your parents a sign from up above. (Edit: also expensive). Walk into your garden, or street, and just start shouting for your parents to come out immediately. Once your parents rush outside in a panic, point up to the sky and show them the plane you hired to drag a sign through the sky. The sign will say you’re gay in one way or another - extra gay points if you can get a rainbow colored plane. Oh and glit-- okay no glitter this time. Well… maybe just a little to fall out of the sky.